OT: Friday joke

Martial Media, Culture and Other Arts Off Topic
41

just found this on another board:
3 vampires walk into a bar

first vampire walks in, orders a pint of blood

the second walks in and does the same

the third walks in and asks for a glass of boiling hot water

the other two vampires ask him whatsup with the hot water?

so he chucks a tampon in and says “i like tea”

42

Tell this one like it really happened to you, cause it’s more funny that way.

"The other day I was patching up some rust on my wheel wells of the car and I was overcome with the fumes from the compound and passed out!

As I lay unconcious on the floor I could feel myself floating upwards and when I looked down I could see myself lying there!

It was then, that I knew I was having my first autobody experience!"

Tell this one while you are reading a newspaper and someone is in earshot, because…it’s more funny that way

“Oh, says here in the paper they had the new candidates for the next pope down to two Cardinals and one of them is Italian! A Cardinal Sicola (the italian) and Cardinal Timmins (an american). Apparently they chose the American because they felt that -Pope Sicola- sounded too weird”

Har dee har har mo fos! :smiley:

43

that was worse than my seen juan seen amal joke.

good job.

44

In the year 3000,

Geronimo Dill, a master practitioner in the eclectic traditions of Bruce Lee, will publish his magnum opus…

“The Tao of Dill Do”

a mickey original

45

Well there was this Canadian walking down the street with a Case of Beer and the other Canadian asked him “What are you doing with that”?

So he replied “I got it for my wife”.

and the first Canadian said “Good Trade!”.

Is this thread for next friday?

46

Kind of a side joke…well not really a joke because it really happened but was funny and ironic.

Right when the Iraq war started, there was a debate at a local college with the liberals and conservatives, with the liberals saying what is wrong with war and violence. The debate between two men from each side of the table got pretty heated, and the liberal guy ended up punching the conservative guy out.

47

Homage to Rodney Dangerfield…

So I was sparring Richard Gere and he was moving kinda slow.

His master told me don’t do anything to offend him.

I made the mistake of yawning while blocking one of his atacks.

He got angry and turned around.

And suddenly, I was hit by amazing combinations of mice, gerbils, and squirrels.

Another mickey original

48

mickey,

you should probably just keep the “originals” to yourself, you know… because you don’t want to waste them all… on us… here on the forum… where we have to read them.

just sayin’.

:smiley:

49

Richard Gere is a gerbiler?

better not tell Royal Dragon that, he still is overwhelmed with diaper/baby fetishists.

Man, his head will explode, and don’t even touch felching, instant heart attack! :smiley:

50

Hi Ming Yue,

I am waiting for Vash to accuse me of stealing that one, too.:slight_smile:

The second homage to Rodney involved R.Kelly and his cousin. I decided not to do that one, again.

mickey

51

26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
  4. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  6. A dog’s parents never visit.
  7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
  8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
    desk.
  10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
  11. Dogs can’t talk.
  12. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
  13. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
  14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
  16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get
    another dog?”
  17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
    pervert.
  19. A dog won’t hold out on you to get a new car.
  20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think
    it’s interesting.
  21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
  22. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
  23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
  24. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale’s or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

  1. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
52

ha … that has to be the first list i havent already seen a hundred times in years.

i like it.

53

What do you call a dog with three legs?

A three legged dog. (Whatza matter with you guys?!!)

mickey

54

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”

The driver thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.” The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him - he’s ornery when he’s drunk and stoned.” The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

55

Funniest post on this thread so far!

:wink:

56

kung fu hardware store

Okay, i’m posting this here because it’s kinda kookie.

i went to a franchised hardware store that sells very inexpensive tools. after blowing more than i had planned i walked up the strip to try a new oriental place i had seen last time i was buying cheap tools. i just stepped up to the curb when one of the TigerClaw girls opened the door to the restaurant and ducked inside. i went in and looked at the menu. there was an older couple at a table in the back and they were grinning like the bait just dragged in the next suitor. the food was thai, which i don’t much care for, and they were a bit too happy to see me. so i left.

on the way home i was thinking about the use of the store space. that little thai noodle shop is in the same building as the hardware store but only takes up 1/4 to 1/3 of the deapth of the building along with four other stores: a shipping store; a nail boutique; a hair care place; and something else. i began wondering what kind of sweat shops they have in the back. (fair model, martial arts background, food and hardware nearby, female amenities…)

did i just stumble into someone’s hometown?

57

lol&rofl/bg. that’s good. your best one yet.
he didn’t get the kids to pet those did he?

58

Hi YuanZhiDeDiZhen,

So that joke is still packing a punch. I don’t think you could pay any child enough to touch those animals.

I just figured out how to pronounce your name. Cool.

mickey

59

yuan zhide di zhen.

yaun zhi de di zhen means something else entirely. more like a cliff hanger.

60

A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that George Bush is a rich, good-for-nothing illiterate drunk.”

“We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us.”