Friday Jokes

Wai Jia: The Kung Fu Forum Kung Fu Forum
1

Murphy’s Laws of Martial Arts

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.

The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.

2

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women

  1. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
  2. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
  3. If you admire a friend’s handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
  4. Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.
  5. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
  6. A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
  7. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
  8. A handgun doesn’t ask , “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
  9. A handgun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

  1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
3

Why didnt LLyod Banks and Young Buck get on the bus???
They didnt have 50 cent.

4

More Murphy’s Laws of Martial Arts…

The ref see’s you score, halts the match, then you opponant sneeks in a killer right hook just after you drop your gaurd…

The day you meet that special someone will be the day after a fantastic full contact sparring session…

The sifu grading your rank test doesn’t see the guy next to you blow the bow-in out of nervs but fails you for your flawless spin kick…

Sifu will never notice you practicing by yourself unless you just made a huge flub…

5

Little girl asked here mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, she’s in heat.”

“What’s ‘in heat’ mean,” the girl asks.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she the dog was in heat, and to ask you.”

Dad told the little girl to bring Belle over. He soaked a rag with gasoline, then scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent and said, “There, now you can walk the dog, but keep Belle on her leash and only go around the block one time.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Suprized, her dad asked here where Belle was.

“Daddy, you didn’t give her enough gas! She ran out on the other side of the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

6

[QUOTE=PangQuan;600948]The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

.[/QUOTE]

Dude these are not funny.

I am double jointed. So I am always the Chin Na practice dummy. I am also pretty good at falling, so I am also the throwing dummy.

And right before my first black belt test, I dislocated my ankle, tore ligaments. So my test was postponed 8months. 6month for me to heal and another 3month to catch back up.

7

What do Michael Jackson and wal-mart have in common?

All Boys pants half off :eek:

8

Those three magic words after sex…

who’s got next?
I need batteries
crabs??? oh ****!
ssshh…wardens coming
coldsore? my ass!
well, you tried
I’ll get better!
can’t get worse!
E for effort
that was amazing
You came already?!
Who are you?
Your Taxi’s Outside

Feel free to add…

9

[QUOTE=banditshaw;759976]Those three magic words after sex…

…[/QUOTE]

WTF!
Hey! That hurt!
My turn next!

10

[QUOTE=banditshaw;759976]Those three magic words after sex…[/QUOTE]

Again, again, again!

11

What did the hat say to the scarf?

You go on ahead. I’ll go around.

ba dum ch.

12

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, “Hey,
Pop! What are you doin’?”
His father says, “Son, I’m filling your mother’s tank.”
Johnny says, “Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning.”

13

this one’s for Ming Yue.
Dylexics
of the World
UNTIE !

re-read your joke…

14

Oh for sete’s pake.

:o

15

why’d the kid fall off the swing?

cause he was dead.

16

You know when ducks migrate how they form a big V?

You know how one side of the V is sometimes longer than the other side?

You know why that is?

Because there’s more ducks on that side. :slight_smile:

17

Never Show Up Late!

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."…

Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!

18

[QUOTE=Becca;759967]Little girl asked here mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, she’s in heat.”

“What’s ‘in heat’ mean,” the girl asks.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she the dog was in heat, and to ask you.”

Dad told the little girl to bring Belle over. He soaked a rag with gasoline, then scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent and said, “There, now you can walk the dog, but keep Belle on her leash and only go around the block one time.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Suprized, her dad asked here where Belle was.

“Daddy, you didn’t give her enough gas! She ran out on the other side of the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”[/QUOTE]

i once had a really loud dog till one day
my neighbor coulddnt take it any more

while i was away she snuck in and put gasoline in his food

so i went to walk him in a near by field and let him off the lead and he kept running and running and running
till he just stopped and fell on the flaw

my friend was with me asked me if he was dead

so very upset, i went and checked him

but to my surprise i found he was still breathing

so i shouted back

ITS OK HE’S JUST RUN OUT OF PETROL!!

meh i tried

19

A kid is sitting on some church steps shaking a bottle of liquid when the priest steps out and says “what ya got there then?”.

To which the kid replies “turpentine”.

Looking up at the priest, the kid sees a small bottle on a chain in the priests belt.
Kid says “what’s that?” and points at the bottle.

priest says “Oh, that’s the most powerful liquid in the world, it’s called holy water and if you put two drops on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a boy, one drop and she’ll pass a girl!”

The priest grins, the boy exclaims “That’s nothing! With this turpentine, only one drop on a cat’s ass and it will pass a motorcycle!”

20

ROTFLMAO!!! Those were all good!

An old married couple are sitting down at the kitchen table doing thier taxes. The wife sits back, piches the bridge of her nose and says, “I thing I have lost my mind.”

“Now honey, that just isn’t true,” her husband says. “You’ve been giving me a peice of your mind for years!”