place joke here

Wai Jia: The Kung Fu Forum Kung Fu Forum
1

i’ll start

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, “Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?”

The man said, “Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.” The officer, in surprise, said," What!?Do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.”

The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?”

The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.”

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers license and registration.

The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box?" He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, “Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”

The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.”

:stuck_out_tongue:

2

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him… Well he finally died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with that man…”

She said, “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was gonna
put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with the man?”

" I sure did," said the wife. “'I wrote him a check.”

3

Nice Jarhead joke…

One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the lamp and rubbed it on its side…all of the sudden a beautiful woman came out in a puff of smoke and said…“thank you so much for freeing me, I have been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one wish”.

Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " I’ll take the first wish! I want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui. I also want to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke…he was gone.

Now it was the SSgt’s turn. He said “I want two million dollars, a beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida. I also want to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach with my beautiful wife”, and in a puff of smoke the SSgt was gone.

The genie now looking at the Gunny says, “And what do you want kind Sir?”

Without a moment of hesitation, with his hands on his hips, staring the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says…

“I want those two clowns back at the shop after chow”.

4

Janie sue gets out of high school and comes home to her trailer park and walks in the door to find her fat, bald and sweaty wife beater wearing father sitting on the couch drinking a michelobe and watching jerry springer. Janie Says “daddeyy can ah burrow the car fer my date tewnight?” The father unzips his fly and says “well eef yew want to burrow thu car yew know whut yew gotta do”.
So she does the job and gets up and says “Gee daddeyyy yer d!ck tastes like sh!T”. and the father replies, “DOH Dagnabbit i tottally fergot, yer brother is burrowin tha car tewnight”.:eek:

                                                            :DTWS
5

a collection of wife related jokes :wink:

#1

Two men are sitting in a bar drinking. The first one says “man, work is stressing me out!”

So the second guy says, “I know what you mean but I have a way to get away from it all!”

Frist guy, “really? What?”

Second guy, “I come home, my wife meets me naked at the front door, she takes me to the dinner table where my my favorite meal is sitting. After dinner, she gives me a bath, then a massage, then we have great s e x. You should try it!”

First guy, “do you think your wife is home now?”

:smiley:

#2

Man comes home early from a business trip to find his wife in bed with his best friend!

“I can’t believe it, it’s terrible, my eyes, my soul! How horrible! How terrible!”

The guy’s friend jumps out of bed and covers up and tries to explain, then apologizes, the husband keeps screaming and running around the room

The husband, “oh my G’d, I can’t believe it! It’s terrible! My lord”

The friend “Stan, Stan, please!”

The husband, “But Arthur, I HAVE to, but you?”

:smiley:

#3

Polish man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. He begins to cry profusely and pulls out a gun, he points it at his head.

His wife laughs and calls him pathetic…

The husband responds “don’t laugh, you’re next!” :wink:

6

whats 1 + 1 ?

answer: 2

what’s 4-2?

answer: 2

What’s the last name of the author who wrote Tom Sawyer?

Answer : Twain

Now give me all three answers together.

answer: Two Two Twain

Response: Have a nice Twip!!!

:smiley: Thank you :smiley: Thank you :smiley: no really Thank you :smiley: OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH:mad:

7

The Blue Baby

This girl wanted a baby…but a blue baby.

So she picked up the Black Dude, this latin dude, and this chinese dude.

She told them all what she wanted and went to the Black dude first.

he put it down, nine months later she had the baby.

The woman says, great you gave me a baby, but its a black baby. won’t work

then she hooks up with the latin dude, and same thing. but this time she says “but you gave me a brown baby” won’t work.

Then, she finally hooks up with the chinese dude and nine months later she gives birth to this blue baby.

Shocked she asked him how he did it.

he responded by saying…"Me Chinese, me play trick. Me putting ajax on my D1ck!!!:smiley:

again, thank you:D Thank you :smiley:

8

Dave and Gus go to heaven.

They stand in front of GOD who tells them they are receiving their wings today. But warns the two that if anyone one of them sins, plop, off goes your wings.

So, Dave and Gus go out in the world just as this big breasticled planet booty having hot little mamma comes along and PLOP! Off goes Dave’s wings.

Just as Dave bent over to pick his wings up off of the floor, PLOP!!! Off falls Gus’s Wings!!!:smiley:

To all parties included in this joke, no harm was intended, so go tell your people to jump off a bridge!!!:stuck_out_tongue:

9

This Penguin drives into town one Sunday, and his car breaks down. As he’s wondering what to do, he sees a mechanic shop. He goes in and asks the mechanic if he can look at his car. The mechanic says, “Sure can, it will be a few hours though.”

So the Penguin is walking around, trying to kill time and he’s starts getting very hot because it’s summer and he’s a Penguin. He sees an ice cream shop, so he goes in and orders a big bucket of vanilla ice cream. The Penguin is wondering how he’s gonna eat it, cause he’s a Penguin, he has no arms. He says screw it and just starts chowing down on the ice cream. He gets done, and there’s ice cream all over him, all over the table, just everywhere. He looks at the clock and says, “Oh ****! the mechanic!”

He runs back to the mechanic shop and asks if he’s had time to look at his car. Mechanic says, “Yup, it looks like you blew a seal” The Penguin replys, “Naw, I was just eating ice cream.”

10

Q: What is a Gay Dinosaur called?

A: A Megga-sore-ass

Q: What is a Lesbian Dinosaur called?

A: A Lick-a-lotta-puss!! :smiley:

11

Old Pat is sitting at home watching the tele, when his wife Mary walks in, come home from a doctor’s appointment. Pat ask, “So Mary, what did the doctor say?”; Mary replies, “He said I have to go have a urinalysis.”; PAt asksk, “What’s that?”; Mary answeres, “I don’t know; but I’ll go upstairs and ask Bridget - she knows everything.”

So Mary goes upstairs, while Pat is siting in his undershirt, scratching his belly, drinking a beer, watching TV. Suddenly, he hears this terrific racket coming from upstairs! Knocking, banging, and crashing! he runs to the door and uopens it just in time to see Mary come bouncing down the steps - he lip is bloody, her dress is torn and she looks like he11; Pat cries, “For God’s sakes woman, what happened to you?”

Mary answers, in a somewhat bewildered voice, "Well, I don’t know! I went upstairs, and polite as could be I knocked on Brdiget’s door. She opens it and says, ‘Hello Mary.’ I says, ‘Hello Bridget.’ She says, ‘What can I do for you, Mary?’ i says’ Bridget, can you tellme, what’s a urinalysis?’ Well she says, “oh, you go p1ss in a pot” and I said, "Well you go sh1t in a hat!’ and the fight was on!

12

A young boy opens the shower curtain while his aunt is showering. He points to her crotch and says “whats that hairy thing?”. The aunt quickly answers “thats my sponge”. The young boy replies. “oh,I seen mommy washing daddys face with hers.”

13

3 explorers get Lost in the jungle one expedition and subsequently get captured by a band of cannibal natives and hauled back to their camp. One explorer is from England,the other from France and the 3rd one is From TEXAS.

The Cannibals start speaking perfect english to the captured explorers and they say " Well we regret to inform you that we are going to cannibalize you,HOWEVER, we have been watching your society and customs for quite some time now and so,to be respectful of your sensitivities and pride and all that, we are going to GRACIOUSLY allow you three to choose the manner of your death before we SKIN you and utilize your skins to make our Canoes with"

Well the Englishman says " well ive got a pistol in my pack, just use that to blow my bloody brains out". BANG!!

The Frenchman says “i have a garat in my pack, just take it and strangle me and break my neck” CRACK!!

The TEXAN Says " I got two forks in my pack, give em to me" so the natives give the Texan the forks. The Texan proceeds to stab himself repeatedly saying “FUK YER CANOES”!!!

                                                                                   :DTWS
14

okay…okay…this one is really funny…funnnnn…neeeeeee:eek:

okay-okay!

This kid takes a shower one day with his dad and says damm dad, what that? Dad says, “it’s my little man.”

Then next day, the kid takes a shower with his mommy. he points at her stuffeses, and says damm mommy what that? Mommy says, “it’s my monster”

the next night, the kid wants to sleep in his parents bed. They were cool with that but told the boy not to look under the covers. so, the boy did anyway.

The little boy started screaming “Daddy, Daddy, mommy’s monster is eating up your little man!”

15

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”.

The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all right with me.”

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

16

http://www.myspace.com/nysanda now there’s a real thigh slapper for you!

17

Geek shows up at his web design job on a new bike.

His mate says, “Wow, cool bike, where did you get it?”

Geek says, "I was walking to work and this beautiful chick rides up, throws down her bike, ripps off her cloths and says, ‘take what you want!’ "

Mate says, “yea, the cloths probably wouldn’t have fit…”

18

President’s Stand up Routine

:smiley: :smiley:

Gotta love a President that can make fun of himself. This was shot at a press dinner 2yrs ago.

19

need to say them out loud to get the full effect

#1
Q: what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

A: Elephino

#2
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: Noeyedeer (sounds like no idea)

#3
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: Fsh

20

A college co ed was driving thru an Indian reservation in AZ. After a few miles she sees an Indian guy standing by the side of the road, naked, with an erection. Disgusted and shocked by the sight, she quickly pulls over to ask what this man was doing. To which he replies, “Me tell time”. He looks at the shadow of his p3n1s and says, “now 3PM” She looks at her watch and found this to be true. Satisfied, she drives on.

A few miles down the road she sees another Indian with an erection standing by the road. She pull over and asks the man if he too tells time. To which he say yes. He looks at the shadow of his p3n1s and says, “now 3:10PM”. She found this to be true and drives on.

A few miles down the road she see an Indian guy sitting on top of a boulder vigorously masterbating. Disgusted, embarrassed and appalled, she pulls over and begins to read him the riot act. The Indian guy turns to her and says, “relax, me wind um watch”