ok, so I have some kids who are being bullied. Here are a few examples, and I would love to hear your input and suggestions.
Kid is 15, honor roll, great MA student, great kid. He is getting hassled by his “peers,” for (get this) NOT smoking weed. His mom called me-he hasn’t come in yet. He even didn’t want to go to school, he was that upset. I cannot understand how someone with so much smarts, and so much going for him can get so affected by this. Usually, it’s the other way around-kids not wanting to be friends with another because he DOES smoke weed. Wow.
Now, a little background-he was quite shy when he came in to my school last year. Since then, he has become a role model here. He is highly motivated and motivates others. He competes, Lion Dances, does demos, you name it. He has undergone such a change-but, as you can see, that insecurity is still there. It doesn’t go away in just one year.
Kid is 10, a bit small and “young” for his age. Has a reading problem, but is not learning disabled. He’s a sweet kid, pretty bright in other ways,gentle, funny. His MA is doing very well. He competes, demos,fights (although he does need some “toughening up” but he’s young, and he gets right back up, wipes his eyes, and gets in there.
Kids are picking on him, calling him stupid, and it’s getting physical. He’s afraid to defend himself, I guess. That is hard. You can learn technique and spar, but to be that guy who can just haul off and punch someone in the face…face it. Fighting (not sparring) is scary. It’s not in all of us.
I think you might find some insight on how to speak to these kids through the “It Gets Better” Project.
Youtube has a gorillian videos around the idea that “It gets better”.
Yes, the project was started to help LGBT kids in school get over the hills of being bullied by closed minded fools, but there is a lot about it that can be applied to any of the cruelty that kids face with each other or anyone else.
How does the older kid feel about wearing the “Just Say No” T-shirt to class? Or to take it another level of push back he could wear one that says " Dope is for Dopes" or “Only losers use drugs” etc and get the point across quite well.
They both need to understand that they don’t need to leave the keys to their happiness in someone else’s pocket and that bullies are like that because they are hurting themselves. Pity them.
To teach violence as the reaction can lead to compound interest on the cycle of violence. While a short sharp shock certainly does work in some cases, in others it can bring more trouble. So better to let that sort of thing happen organically as required and to go at it from a mental aspect instead.
If those kids know that they are correct and upright in their position, they won’t be concerned with the bullies.
my (ex-step)daughter at 11 yrs old, has an incident with another “friend.”
She was over her house for a playdate, and the friend invited another girl over as well.
Well, they then teamed up against her, and the “friend,” flatleft her for the other one.
Pretty bad scene for an eleven yr-old.
So..she says she is done with this girl. Her mom says,“You are new in the neighborhood, and she is the only friend you have now.”
Her reply was,“I would rather go a year without any friends at all, than to have a “friend” like that.”
I was so proud of her.
I know how hard it is for a child to feel that, and harder still to be able to make that kind of decision. Strong kid.
You might talk to the 15 year old and let him know that the approval of morons is worthless. It’s tough for teenagers, since they’re hard-wired to care very much about what their peers think of them. Let him know that he has the choice to hold his head up high - after all, it sounds like he has a lot to be proud of.
The ten year old should have recourse to adults - his teachers at school, his parents. As far as in your dojo, I’d try to create as much success for him as possible - lots of praise and challenging but attainable goals. Nothing trains confidence like success.
I had a classmate in my sifu’s school that was a grown man who acted like kid no.2. he was a good guy, but, he baked cookies and let his wife make all the decisions. he wanted to be tough but i noticed that it wasn’t in him. So, i personally bullied him, meaning i would purposefully push him to the point he’d get ****ed off. When he did i’d smile and say "I knew you had it in you. Over time he started pushing back and everyone noticed that he stopped being a push over. He admitted that although it hurt his feelings at times he appreciated what i did with him. cause he stopped letting EVERYONE push him around, including his wife.
Sometimes you just have to help wake up the fighter that dwells inside all of us.
Kid no. 1, he is doing the right thing by not smoking weed. People who PRESSURE people to do something that is not only against the law but could affect his life later on, need to get their butts kicked.
You student should be proud to be different. looks like he makes the right choices. and in the end, true friends would never force you to do something you don’t want to do. Back in the day, i had friends who did coke around me and would ask me if i wanted to do a line…i’d be like “nah, i’m cool brah”…and they’d respect that.
He’s going to have to learn to change his social circle. Yeah, it’s hard when you’re 15 and forced to see the same people 5 times a week and at the age where peer acceptance is everything, but that’s just part of growing up.
It’s tricky. I’m sure there’s a whole lot going on in his head: he’s afraid to hit someone, he’s afraid of getting hit, he’s afraid to use his training because what if it doesn’t work. I would get an older student who out ranks him and is slightly bigger to spar him and tell that senior student to not let up until the lower rank starts putting a little more oomph into his strikes/kicks/blocks and build up his confidence in himself and his training at the same time. My neighbor, who’s five years older than me, did this to me to help me with my soccer. When I was 12 I became terrified to go one-on-one when I had possession of the ball or trying to take possession. He would go just a little bit harder each team I asserted myself slightly building me up. By the end the fear of confrontation and failure was gone.
[QUOTE=hskwarrior;1158291]I had a classmate in my sifu’s school that was a grown man who acted like kid no.2. he was a good guy, but, he baked cookies and let his wife make all the decisions. he wanted to be tough but i noticed that it wasn’t in him. So, i personally bullied him, meaning i would purposefully push him to the point he’d get ****ed off. When he did i’d smile and say "I knew you you had it in you. Over time he started pushing back and everyone noticed all that we stopped being a push over. He admitted that although it hurt his feelings at times but he appreciated what i did with him. cause he stopped letting EVERYONE push him around, including his wife.
Sometimes you just have for help wake up the fighter that dwells inside all of us.
Kid no. 1, he is doing the right thing by not smoking weed. People who PRESSURE people to do something that is not only against the law but could affect his life later on, need to get their butts kicked.
You student should be proud to be different. looks like he makes the right choices. and in the end, true friends would never force you to do something you don’t want to do. Back in the day, i had friends who did coke around me and would ask me if i wanted to do a line…i’d be like “nah, i’m cool brah”…and they’d respect that.[/QUOTE]
this is some of the smartest insight and advice I’ve read on the topic
this is some of the smartest insight and advice I’ve read on the topic
well, i’ve been there. peer pressured to try something i didn’t want to do. sure, i grew up around people who had some kind of vice and some tried to get me to try things. I knew better. I know friends who’ve lost their minds on Angel Dust and PCP. That wasn’t the route for me.
Saying NO can be pretty hard on a teenager. At that age they don’t want to lose friends over a choice not to do drugs. Still, it takes the stronger person to say no. Many many times i’ve been with friends who drink alcohol too and pressured me to drink. I’d stand my ground and tell em nah i’m good. sometimes they thought i was square because i didn’t drink or want to do other things. but i saw in them the potential to fail in life and stood behind my stance on not doing it. It was later that they complimented me for not being a follower.
Getting bullied…people tried. mostly because i was a white kid in the hood. On the flipside, my older brother taught me how to fight before i was 5 years old. so when people tried to bully me i’d fight em right there on the spot. Got more respect that way.
I don’t encourage kids to fight. yet i do encourage them to put a bully in their place. or at least let the bully know they are ready to fight if they have to.
[QUOTE=taai gihk yahn;1158376]this is some of the smartest insight and advice I’ve read on the topic[/QUOTE]
Agree, felt to say exactly the same.
I was that kid too, the only one not smoking “fumo” (a surrogate of weed of dark brown colour of which I don’t know the English term) in the car in that cold winter night at the sea side (just one of the many occasion). My friends poked at me at times but all in all they respected my choice that’s why I was also more often then not the driver of the night out, cause I was the one to not get crazy with drinking
Everyone has some good ideas… I think we need to build these kids up. Build their self esteem and help them feel good enough about themselves. Make them feel better than these bullies.
I tried this:
A shy kid who was getting bullied (pushed around a little, nothing bad). So to help their self esteem, during Shuai Chiao class I put up against a kid I knew they could defeat. They one a few matches and started getting confident… this went one over time and eventually they were no longer bothered by the bullies cuz they did not act scared around them, so they left my student alone.
Make the bullies feel better about themselves is an even stronger angle of attack.
It is usually the Bully who is more fragile and more broken than the kids that get bullied.
Make the bullies feel better about themselves is an even stronger angle of attack.
It is usually the Bully who is more fragile and more broken than the kids that get bullied.
Find them out, help them up.
Sorry, I have to disagree here. little talks, make the bully feel better about himself, lift him up…help the bully…this won’t work. at all. If you have some good examples of this working bro, i’ll take this response down. But, i’d have to see or read a prime example of a real thug, bully, being talked out of being a bully.
That might work in the movies, in a fantasy play, or something of this nature. In real life, yeah the bully may have personal issues in his private life. but, soft as cotton pep talks never work on real bullies. The bully may need to take medication…have a chemical imbalance or something like this.
However, video proof has proven there is only one effective way to stop a bully. And that starts with the one being bullied. Standing up for yourself and being ready to fight back is the ONLY proven way to stop a bully. and, at times even this doesn’t work. Still, out of all the video’s of kids fighting back, how many of those kids continued to be bullied by the same person again? Almost NONE because the bully was put in his place.
Now AFTER stopping a bully from his mission to bully people you may want to give him a pep talk, lift him up, give him a warm loving hug (lol). GOOD LUCK ON THIS however.
yeah, we know that bullies are insecure, lack self-esteem, and strike out at others to make themselves feel less inadequate…well, usually. Some are just fukked up psychopaths, and giving them more self-esteem is fuel for the fire.
I know a few guys who are like that, and after many years of Martial Arts training, they are now psychopathic baddas$es-with skillz.
[QUOTE=TenTigers;1158468]yeah, we know that bullies are insecure, lack self-esteem, and strike out at others to make themselves feel less inadequate…well, usually. Some are just fukked up psychopaths, and giving them more self-esteem is fuel for the fire.
I know a few guys who are like that, and after many years of Martial Arts training, they are now psychopathic baddas$es-with skillz.[/QUOTE]
I think that every instructor has had at least one of those and these are the teachers that, in the past, went on to be far more careful in what and to whom they teach.
The was a time that MA were the “bullies” of the time and while now that is less of the case, I wonder how the future will be with more access to MA than ever before and not as many teachers being “judges of character”.
we have a lot of ‘fast food’ martial arts schools now days.
just like fast food, it fills the hole. Ya fast food fills you up, keeps you going, puts some fuel in the old gas tank…but it doesnt carry all of the nutrients you actually need for a BALANCED healthy diet.
IMO, the problem with your 15 year old student should solve itself sooner or later, as he will grow a ticker skin after realizing that the opinions of idiotic highschool dopeheads don’t really matter.
The younger one could be trickier, tho. Try to boost his confidence and social skills (asking him to perform/fight/demonstrate in front of an audience, or putting him in situations where he has to communicate effectively, for example). If he’s comfortable in his own skin, he’s less likely to be bullied.
The ***** thing about bullying is that we shouldn’t really intervene, but help the kid develop the assets that’ll allow him/her to overcome the problem.
[QUOTE=TenTigers;1158267]ok, so I have some kids who are being bullied. Here are a few examples, and I would love to hear your input and suggestions.
Kid is 15, honor roll, great MA student, great kid. He is getting hassled by his “peers,” for (get this) NOT smoking weed. His mom called me-he hasn’t come in yet. He even didn’t want to go to school, he was that upset. I cannot understand how someone with so much smarts, and so much going for him can get so affected by this. Usually, it’s the other way around-kids not wanting to be friends with another because he DOES smoke weed. Wow.
Now, a little background-he was quite shy when he came in to my school last year. Since then, he has become a role model here. He is highly motivated and motivates others. He competes, Lion Dances, does demos, you name it. He has undergone such a change-but, as you can see, that insecurity is still there. It doesn’t go away in just one year.
Kid is 10, a bit small and “young” for his age. Has a reading problem, but is not learning disabled. He’s a sweet kid, pretty bright in other ways,gentle, funny. His MA is doing very well. He competes, demos,fights (although he does need some “toughening up” but he’s young, and he gets right back up, wipes his eyes, and gets in there.
Kids are picking on him, calling him stupid, and it’s getting physical. He’s afraid to defend himself, I guess. That is hard. You can learn technique and spar, but to be that guy who can just haul off and punch someone in the face…face it. Fighting (not sparring) is scary. It’s not in all of us.[/QUOTE]
Hitting back isn’t a really good idea. I find that it usually just leads to more violence. When I was young I was small and I had a bit of a temper and I did hit back and it didn’t always go that well. The satisfaction of thumping out a bully was never as nice as knowing the situation has been diffused another way and is just “gone” and every time I did swat some kid I obviously was ratted out and paid for it. But it does go away. Kids have pretty short memories. What he needs is to speak one on one with somebody who has diffused the situation with words and he needs to learn those techniques. Of course the only real cure is confidence. Every kid is different and there’s no cookie cutter solution to confidence problems. Maybe a bit of extra attention in front of his peers would teach him to be more confident and carry that out of MA and into the real world.
Build him up. Just not too much.
And the 15 year old just needs to learn how to tell people to **** off. He’s 15, it’s time he learned that people are not all equal and that he’s on the right side of it. If he wants to be one of the better men he needs to understand that how he feels about himself will have far more impact on how others feel about him than anything he does or doesn’t do under peer pressure.
We can defend weed all day but in the end every one of us that smokes knows we would be better off without it. I’m glad I grew out of how it was when I was younger. it was always there, morning till bed. I like to smoke in order to ensure that I lay down and do nothing, relax. But it isn’t good for much else. I used to actually believe it motivated me. So many stoners actually believe that. Inspire maybe, motivate, not so much. We fooled ourselves into believing it was ok because we were still active. What we didn’t realize is that we would have been more active without it.
[QUOTE=Sardinkahnikov;1158507] The ***** thing about bullying is that we shouldn’t really intervene, but help the kid develop the assets that’ll allow him/her to overcome the problem.[/QUOTE]
