First of all I wouldn’t be walking no d@mn poodle. German Shepherd maybe, or a Lab or something. But not a French-fried poodle.
But if I was attacked by a 35-foot snake? Well, the very first thing I’d do is run to my nearest BJJ gym and take a lesson. Since this style is practically unbeatable in every and all situations, I figure one lesson is about all I’ll need. Then I’d run back and do a sweep…uh, wait, no legs on the snake…okay then I’d shoot in and…oops, it’s already on the ground, isn’t it? No problem, then I’d mount it and…no, wait, that thing can really coil, can’t it? Hmm. Okay, then I guess I’d go for it’s eyes…aw f@ck, that’s outlawed in BJJ. Sonofab@tch I’m gonna get eaten by this f@cker if I don’t think of something quick…! Let’s see, no fingers in any orifices, that’s outlawed too. No throat strikes or groin strikes if I could even FIND the groin on this writhing tube of hungry muscles…
“Wait a minute! BJJ is supposed to be unstoppaple! Rolls led me astray! I’m supposed to win this fight! I…help!..it’s got me!..hellppp—glub!”
Have any of you guys seen that mad Aussie naturalist, not that ugly ******* Mark o’Sheary. This other guy is absolutely hilarious, he looks and sounds like Joe Mangel from Neighbours, he is the most enthusiastic person I have ever seen in my life.
He tries to find the most dangerous reptiles he can, and then, yep, tries to stick his finger in their butt, or otherwise torments them as much as possible.
He’s got this whispering voice, and he just grabs the snake, and then:
“Easy, whoa, you little beauty, this guys getting a bit cranky, easy now!”
“Youre alright mate, youre alright!”
Later on..
“Cranky little snake, youre alright!”
Even later…
“Lovely, he’s really calmed down now. What Im gonna do now, is stick my finger up his butt,
whoa! Danger! Danger! Cranky!”
Then he gets bitten, or spat on, or constricted.
Then he’s back next week, just as enthusiastic as ever.
Completely brilliant. Wish I could remember his name.
